Log in

Nick's Journal [entries|friends|calendar]

[ website | Disclaimer Stuff ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Now, Let Me See.... [01 Apr 2003|08:37pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

::sits on the bed, an upturned baseball cap sitting at one end, idly tossing playing cards into it.So. Life has been good. Quiet. A simple routine, for which I am glad.

Get up, make a few phone calls, hang out with Ashley all afternoon. It makes for happy living.

We talked, seriously, one day, about pasts and what not. I told him the story. Wow. He doesn't think I'm a big whore. More than I can say for what I think of myself.

::sighs softly, tosses a playing card::

So. Heh. I pulled some strings. It's going to be good to see that pretty face backstage. Maybe give me a reason to actually fucking try this time?

::shrugs lightly, tossing another card, blinks when the card actually makes it::

Perhaps. A reason to actually fucking try this time. In general. In life.

Who knows?

1 Kiss - Smooch Me

For every... [20 Mar 2003|08:39am]
[ mood | optimistic ]

... beginning there is an end.

For every stop there is a go.

For every wrong there is a right.

::nods:: I believe so.

Smooch Me

This Ceiling... [17 Mar 2003|10:26am]
[ mood | confused ]

It stays the same, day after day after day, seeing different things.

Does it know what to think? How to act? What its job is?

HOW does it KNOW that's what it's FOR?

Divine. Purpose.


::sighs softly, thinking::

I wish I knew.

1 Kiss - Smooch Me

Hrm. Yeah... [02 Mar 2003|08:27am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

::lays on the sofa in the living room, idly petting Booger, looking up at the ceiling. licks his lips, still able to taste kisses there::

So... I'm a single guy. Ain't wrong at all for me to have a little fun.

Nope. Not at all.

::smirks, turns his head, looks at his cell phone::

Got a phone number. Pretty one with pretty eyes and troubles. Lonliness.

::narrows his eyes, thinking of that one. shakes his head slowly::

Got a couple of friends... ::grins:: Real good friends...

::licks over his teeth::

One other has my heart, that's true. But things... they change. ::holds up the kitten, making kissy faces at her:: They change, don't they, Booger? ::smiles at her, speaking in a soft kitty voice::

The only constant in life is change itself.

I believe.

4 Kiss - Smooch Me

I Just.... [28 Feb 2003|07:16pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

::sits on the garage floor by his present, shining those rims to an inch of their lives, laughing when he sees his reflection in them. makes kissy faces at himself, laughing quietly. looks around::

Oh, Jeezus. If anyone heard me out here, they'd think I was fucking crazy.

::cracks up, slowly pulling himself up, stands. runs his hand over the seat, over the handle bars::

But, damn it, she's pretty.

::smiles, swinging the rag around. gathers up his stuff, walks back inside. puts the wax and what not in the cabinet under the sink, takes a deep breath, gazing out the kitchen window::

I just want you to be happy, you know? That's all I ever wanted. With or without me.

::rubs his face::

I'm so tired. A nap sounds like a good idea. Yes. A nap.

::nods to himself, dragging his feet upstairs. crawls into bed, pulling the covers up and over him, mumbling::

Just want you to be happy, my love. Just want you to be happy.

::nods, cheek rubbing against the soft pillowcase, eyes falling shut, drifting into a pleasant sleep, the first real sleep he's had in days::

Smooch Me

Reality is Overrated [15 Feb 2003|05:05am]
[ mood | depressed ]

::stares into the soup bowl for the third straight hour, occassionally swirling the spoon in the congealed mess::

Does care. Does care. Does care.

I know in my heart it's still there, regardless of what anyone says.

::blinks up at the wall, slowly turns and squints at the clock on the coffeemaker. raises eyebrows, having not realized how long he'd just been sitting there. drops the spoon on the floor as he stands up from the barstool, rubs tears from his eyes::

I know it's there. I know it's there.

Not enough time has passed.

Absense makes the heart grow fonder.

::shuffles into the living room, curls up into a little ball on the sofa, sniffling, whispering to himself::

Love. God, how you love.

3 Kiss - Smooch Me

As Far As I Can Tell... [11 Feb 2003|08:57am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

... the problem with secrets is that one other person always knows.

5 Kiss - Smooch Me

[04 Feb 2003|09:19am]
[ mood | confused ]

::sits on the sofa, staring at the box with his gift in it. leans back and tugs bottom lip, narrowing eyes slightly, deep in thought::

Do I? Or don't I? Do I? Or don't I?

1 Kiss - Smooch Me

Uhm... [29 Jan 2003|07:27pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

::drags self into the house, sighs and plops down on the sofa. closes eyes and leans head back::

Yesterday was my 23rd birthday.

::sighs and sings softly to himself::

Happy Birthday to me.

Happy Birthday to me.

Happy Birthday, dearest, beautiful Nicky...

::swallows hard, looks up and around at all the gifts and well wishes sent by his friends. squeezes his eyes shut and furrows brow::

Happy Birthday to me.

::curls up on the sofa, feeling lonlier than he ever has in his entire life::

Smooch Me

You Know.... [25 Jan 2003|05:21pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I just don't understand people.

I don't understand them at all.

::sighs, looks at the sink, smiles at little looking at the sprayer::

Fucking discipline.

1 Kiss - Smooch Me

Frustrations... [16 Jan 2003|03:16am]
[ mood | crushed ]

This is it. I'm so fucking tired of crying over you. I'm sick of it. I hate you. I just... hate you...

::takes another draw off the bottle, sets it on the coffee table, sitting with his elbows on his knees, cradling his head in his hands::

Three months. Had you realized it had been that long? Three months of fucking and arguing and sweet words... and in those months I gave you my heart. All you let me do was fuck you, when all I wanted was to mean something to you.

I left you alone after you ended that other relationship because I wanted to be more than your rebound. I wanted to be something real to you. I wanted your heart, your love. I wanted to talk to you under the stars about trivial matters and our pasts and I wanted to share my life with you.

I would lay awake, nights, when I was alone, and think about you and how sweet it would be to have you in my arms, to hold you close like I had so many times before, to kiss you and tell you everything would be alright. To just pull you near and feel your heart beating against mine, in rythmn with each other, as they had done.

And I had to panic like I'm prone to do and run. I ran away and didn't call and didn't write and goddamnit I'm sorry for that. Since... well... since I came back, I've been beating myself over the head with a cement block for being so fucking stupid.

How could I have been so blind? Did I think you would wait? I know now that I was wrong. I know now that it's wrong to give love away so easily. For falling so fast, I fell and broke myself. What you see now isn't me anymore. That me died the day my hope did. The hope for that perfect life with the most perfect person I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.

And so here, now, I tell you. I love you. I always will. And I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me the most. I'm sorry I ever felt anything past lust for you. I'm sorry for any hurt I may have caused you. And I'm sorry I ever got involved with you.

Your life will be much easier without me.

3 Kiss - Smooch Me

God, please... [13 Jan 2003|08:09am]
[ mood | depressed ]

Tell me why.

::wipes a stray tear, slowly closes eyes::

I hate everything and everybody.

2 Kiss - Smooch Me

So... Okay.... [05 Jan 2003|09:02am]
[ mood | blah ]

::lays on the sofa, staring at the ceiling, hands clasped behind his head. snaps gum::

I'm a fucking monkey wrench.

How lovely.

2 Kiss - Smooch Me

Wow... [26 Dec 2002|10:46am]
[ mood | chipper ]

It's been a long time since I've written in here...

Life is good. Missing some people... a person... ::sighs::

A lot.

::stares at the box with his Christmas present in it::

Yeah... I hope I see him soon to give it to him.

But I've been making friends. Got her something to... and damn it looks good on. ::grins::

Anyway, just wanted to let the world know I was, in fact, still breathing.

As you were. ::winks::

2 Kiss - Smooch Me

Wow, I'm Alive... [03 Dec 2002|08:15am]
[ mood | calm ]

I spent the holiday alone, but that's okay because I've really needed to think..

And yeah. So I've been thinking.

::picks up the phone and makes a call Voicemail for JustinCollapse )

1 Kiss - Smooch Me

And Pushing Too... [28 Nov 2002|03:35pm]
[ mood | blank ]

::mumbling to the ceiling:: I don't know why. I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to. I never wanted to hurt you. I didn't mean to... ::wipes at tears, never blinking::

I'm sorry. So sorry. I'm sorry.

I... I never meant to... ::voice cracks:: I never wanted to tell you. You know why. I'm sorry. So sorry.

::slowly allows eyes to fall shut. whispers::

Always a failure. So fucking beautiful. A beautiful failure...

1 Kiss - Smooch Me

I Don't Get It... [24 Nov 2002|09:57am]
[ mood | confused ]

Why do I have this need to?



1 Kiss - Smooch Me

Not Well [23 Nov 2002|09:29am]
[ mood | calm ]

He's sick. Poor guy. ::shakes his head, calls up the florist and orders him some white roses::

I hope those make him feel better. The little guy. ::soft smile::

1 Kiss - Smooch Me

Thinking of You... [21 Nov 2002|09:14am]
[ mood | touched ]

It's in the way we don't need to talk because we already know.

And it's the way he looks at me right before....

It's in the way his lips feel on mine.

And it's the way he sleeps so peacefully.

It's in the way his fingertips touch my skin.

And it's the way his eyelashes flutter over his cheeks, deep in.

It's the way my blood runs hot and my face flushes red and my heart pounds when he's near.

And it's the way I hope that when he is dreaming, it's of me. Us.

Fuck me, damn it, motherfucking son of a bitch....

I think I'm in love.

Smooch Me

Up Against The Wall [19 Nov 2002|06:20am]
[ mood | amused ]

Foyer. I never thought much about them, actually.

Does anyone?

It'll stay in my mind now.


::snickers and stretches, grimacing a bit at the soreness still in his muscles::


::shakes his head and falls back to sleep::

1 Kiss - Smooch Me

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]